My Twilight Experience

I have a pretty sweet job. One of the main things our department does on campus is plan and implement activities for the student body. As a result, I get to do a lot of pretty cool things. The latest project was renting out a theater for the premiere of…wait for it…the latest installment in the Twilight saga. Breaking Dawn Part II. There are a lot of perks that come with my jobby job. This isn’t one of them.

Keep in mind I haven’t seen any of the previous films nor have I read any of the books. The moment I learned that vampires sparkle in this series has spurned a barrage of mockery from me ever since. This was a vampire mythos I could not get on board with. Consequently, a co-worker of mine expressed she was cashing in on a favor that was long over-due for missing out on last year’s theater rental for the premiere of Breaking Dawn Part I. We agreed then, my payment would be to go to a movie of her choosing. Little did I know she would hold out a whole year let alone remember my little debt. I braced myself for the worst, but also told myself that it couldn’t all be bad. I had it on good authority that the majority of scenes showcased shirtless hunks and this installment contained a battle of epic proportions.

Below are my live-tweets as I embarked on this melodromatic and broody journey. Fair warning, there are tons of SPOILERS! I am sure my live-tweets have already caused tween rage and brought forth the wrath of angsty Twilight fanatics who were unable to make it to the premiere. Yeah, well bite me.

I’m gonna need this caffeine to get through this. God help me…

Live-Tweets during the viewing of Breaking Dawn Part II

I was just informed there are mind bubbles involved…OH MY…
Theater ad just instructed me to turn off my phone and abstain from using it during the film. Nope, not gonna do it!
Here we go. There are squeals throughout the theater & they haven’t even shown vamps and wolves without their shirts yet.
Cheesy groping within the first 5 seconds. Even with red eyes she’s still pretty expressionless.

Did he seriously just ask her to sniff him!?

The fact the baby was nicknamed Nessie gives me hope for this film
Am I the only one that finds vampy foreplay to be super awkward!?

And Jacob is stripping…STRIPPING!!! This movie just got momentarily better. And the theater is rejoicing and cheering. Even the dudes, although I suspect their cheers are meant to be ironic.
Aaaaand the moment has passed. Back to shit I don’t understand.
Oh the sparkles! I just can’t take the SPARKLES!
Edmund’s face or more specifically his overdone facial expressions freak my shiz out!
Heads r rollin, baby drooling blood, more sparkles, what appears to be brooding & ominous flashbacks. No idea what is happening right now.
I don’t understand why all these vamps have mutant powers…

Tyra Banks became an Amazon vamp, and she still smises like a boss!
Vamp vamp vamp of the jungle, watch out for that tree!!!
Dude! It’s Hans and Frans! These Romanian vamps are sassy!
Black smoke monster from Lost apparently became a vamp.
Mind bubbles!!! Vamp mutant training has begun.
Had to take a pee break and upon my return realized this theater is starting to get a little ripe…
I think an epic battle is about to take place. After a long lull of boredom, things have taken an interesting turn.
Did Edward & red coat dude with long flowing hair (brunette Fabio) just share an intimate moment as they held hand & mind melded?
FIGHT!!! ::cue Mortal Kombat theme music::
EPIC MINDBUBBLES!!! YUSSSSS!!!
I don’t understand what is going on with brunette Fabio’s fancy pants speech…
So many sneers!!!
FATALITY! Fatalities galore!!!

So many dead puppies! I may need to process…
Shit just got real…

Final Tweet:

I feel so utterly cheated right now and simultaneously nauseous…I DEFINITELY need to process now…UGH!

Needless to say, I was not amused with what transpired toward the conclusion and the ending was just gross. However, the experience of watching the film in a theater full of college students (many with whom our department work with) laughing at the absurd moments, cheering at decapitation and maulings, and the mystery science theater esque atmosphere made it well worth it. Will I run out and get the previous installments or the books? That’s an emphatic NO.

Do I regret going to the final installment of a series I have scoffed at and mocked since their inception? See previous answer above.